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You put on the dress you were gifted for the ritual, simple and white. You're eighteen now, which means you'll be meeting It tonight. The Deva who was chosen for you. It sparks excitement in you, but also nervousness. Your mother never told you what would happen but assured you that you'd do just fine. You believe her, of course, yet the doubt in you still remains. Are you really worthy of this? Deserving of a bond with It?

Your thoughts drift to Urei. How they expressed their distaste in the temple but wanted to be there for you anyway. It made your chest feel warm. You try to cling onto that, fiddling with the cloth around your wrist. A promise that still means so much to you, as does this one. Knowing Urei will be there, just for you, gives you the strength to move forward. You can do this.

There's a knock on your door after you stand, like you knew it was going to happen. When you open it, your mother's visage greets you. She's a strict woman, but she loves you so dearly, as she tells you everyday. She smiles in a way that has always been hard to read, and walks over to you, picking up the brush from your desk. She turns you around to brush through your hair, again, a few strands out of place. A hum of approval sounds from behind you before you're turned to face her once more.

"You look lovely as always, Maryann." Which is a little funny to hear considering she just fixed up your hair. You smile brightly in appreciation regardless. "Thank you, mother. Is it finally time?" You ask with a tilt of your head, wearing a curious expression now. "Indeed it is. It's time for your big day, or rather, big night." She corrects herself at the end with a chuckle. One look out the window and, sure enough, it is dark outside. You're still not sure why it had to happen this late, but you aren't one to question the things told to you. It's the best quality about you, so says your mother.

Your hands are suddenly moved by your mother's. Hers placed over yours as she presses them together in prayer. You close your eyes with her as she mumbles words under her breath. Part of the ritual, you assume. Before she finally lets you go, her fingers brush through your hair, admiring the stark white locks, then she's turning away from you. "I know you won't let me down. Just follow my instructions and everything will work out perfectly." She still isn't looking at you, but you can hear the smile spilling into her voice as she speaks, and you can only hope that she's proud of you for coming this far.

"Go deep into the forest. No matter what you hear, do not turn back. Keep walking. You'll know what to do next when the time is right."

Again, you do nothing but nod along.

"Oh, one more thing. Happy birthday, Maryann. May this night be unforgettable for you." There's something about her tone that makes you more wary than you'd like to admit. Still, you leave her side and walk over to the back door, stepping into the unknown. Into a fate that was written out for you.

She glances back at you. Speaking words you can no longer hear.

"Let the hunt begin."

. . . . . . . . .

Being left alone with your thoughts isn't new, but you can't say you enjoy it very much. Even though your mother told you that you'd know what to do, you can't help feeling lost. You still don't understand why this had to be kept a secret. You try to focus on something else. Anything else. Like the fact that it's a cold night. Actually, it's a lot colder than you were expecting it to be. You shiver as you walk, wishing you had brought something to cover yourself up with, but it's too late to turn back now. You have to keep going. Keep walking and walking and walking.

Moonlight filters through the branches, though it does little to comfort you. All the noises from the night startle you. You swear you can see things moving in the dark. It has your heart pounding. Hands trembling. Despite this, you try to keep faith. You try to keep a brave face. As you go deeper and deeper into the woods, a worry starts gnawing at you. You're pretty far out. What if Urei can't find you? You can only hope that the people working at the temple will tell them where you are.

After what feels like forever, you can finally see figures in the distance, and it makes you pick up your pace. Their faces are all familiar to you. People who regularly showed up to pray at the temple. They happily talked with you, made you feel seen, gave you hope that what you were doing would be worth it. All the studying you did was so you'd be able to protect them, to care for them when they got sick or hurt.

You only stop when you notice them carrying weapons, torches as well. It confuses you. Scares you. You can't seem to find your voice. Anything you try to say gets swallowed by the fear. It doesn't take long for them to notice you and that kicks your fear up a notch. And another. And another. And another-

Why is it so hard to breathe?

A single step is all it takes.

The movement startles you into action. You turn, rather clumsily, bolting in a random direction. All you can think about is getting out of there, and the parting words your mother left you.

Do not turn back. Do not turn back. Do not turn back.

You'll know what to do next when the time is right.

This couldn't be what she meant. It couldn't be. You don't want to believe it. You refuse to believe it. Your lungs burn, your legs ache, but you don't stop. Even when you feel something pinch into your shoulder, you don't stop. Not until you find a place to hide. The pinches continue to happen in different places. You brush them off. It's nothing, you tell yourself, it's nothing that I can't handle. It's probably just your muscles tensing up.

All you can see are trees. All you can see are trees. All you can see are trees. All you can see are trees. All you can see are trees. All you can see are trees.

You can't run anymore, all you can see are trees, so you hide behind one and pray they won't see you. You just need a moment to catch your breath. That's all. You can make it through this, you just need to-

You finally look at your shoulder. The adrenaline hasn't worn off, thankfully, but it's hard to ignore what's right in front of you. There's an arrow there, and there, and there, and there. The scream you let out is filled with all the pain you foolishly ignored. Your hands tremble, hovering over one of the arrows. You can't take it out. You have to take it out. You can't take it out. You HAVE to take it out- YOU CAN'T TAKE IT OUT.

You bite down on your hand, miserably trying to muffle your crying. There's too many. You'll lose so much blood. But it hurts. Ithurtsithurtsithurtsithurts. No matter what you do, they must've heard you already. Your scream echoed through these woods.

You gave yourself away.

Your head lolls in the direction of the noisy footfalls approaching you. You can see the light of the torches and it dredges up an unfamiliar, terrifying feeling in you. Like you've been through this before.

A whimper escapes you as you try to move away from the tree, everything in you screaming to stay still. That's not an option and you know it, unfortunately. You push yourself as much as you can, stumbling down whatever path you can find. You can hear them getting closer and closer.

Move. Keep moving.

The temple.

You have to get there.

Surely that's where you were supposed to go. You just got lost. Silly. You're so silly, and get lost so easily. A laugh bubbles out of you. A groan spills from your lips. You grip your head and scream again even though you know you shouldn't.

Run, run, run, run.

A gnarly tree root catches against your foot. Not that you can see that.

The ground seems to slip from underneath you. You go tumbling down, hard. Head knocking against a rock. Your vision fills with stars. It's all so blurry. It's all so fuzzy. You pull a hand away from your head, eyes barely focused on the blood that stains it. You stay there, on the ground, for a few fleeting seconds. You feel numb and cold. So cold that it seeps into your bones.

You struggle to stand.

You stumble and slip a lot more before getting to your feet. You can't hear them anymore, but you're sure they're not far behind. They could be anywhere. The temple has to be safe. You'll be safe there.

All you can do is silently weep as you drag yourself onward.

You can't tell how long it takes you to reach it, but there it is. You can see it. With all the strength you can muster, you run towards it. Pushing the door open with your body. You barely get three steps in before you collapse to the ground, blood pouring from your head, staining your white hair red. You don't have it in you to care about that.

What you do care about is...

The thought hits you harder than the arrows. It makes you cry harder. Louder. You're so scared. So, so, so scared of never seeing them again. "Urei..." Your voice cracks and wavers. You say their name like a prayer, hoping that, maybe, they'll forgive you for walking into this. For allowing yourself to be so stupid. You want to see them again. You really want to. It's not fair. None of this was fair. How could you just... die like this?

Your eyes close. It's cold. It's really cold in here. And you're so tired. It couldn't hurt to rest, right? Just for a moment. You're safe here.

Aren't you?

You can slowly feel yourself slipping away. You can't tell if you're breathing. Is this what dying feels like? It all mixes together, muddled up in your head, in your heart, in your soul.

Then, without a clue why, a warmth spreads through you. Hands hold your face, and everything else melts away. You slowly slip into sleep. Your Deva had arrived, relieving you of the pain you felt, blessing you with the gift of awakening. Your soul always knew this was meant to happen, so it accepts it without issue. A bond is forged on this night. Through blood and tears, through deceit and betrayal, through warmth and kindness.

You are born anew. And you'll never be the same.

Current Mood: cold
Current Location: the ritual.
Current Music: run rabbit // mollie elizabeth

A young girl sits in her room, staring at the ground through angry tears. The door of her room was locked, again. She shouldn't have gotten upset about it. It was just a garden. She knew there was a chance that she wouldn't get to go, but still. She wanted to. She wanted to do something that she liked for once. Even for a moment. It didn't have to be long. After all the events she was taken to, after all the people she had to force herself to be polite with while they questioned her over and over about things she barely understood, didn't she deserve that much? Her mother insisted that is was much too late to do so, though. And she just had to fight back. She just had to get angry.

So here she sits. Sulking until dinner was ready. Part of her wanted to sneak out but the trouble she would be in wasn't worth it. It was never worth it. Going against her word. Something as simple as this shouldn't have bothered her so much anyway. Not when worse things could've happened. Not when other people had it worse than her. What right did she have to complain when she had so much already?

She forces the feelings down. Convincing herself that it was fine. She was lucky to be here. Her mother loved her. She loved her mother. Everything was fine.

Her mind briefly drifts to the only other person she wanted to speak with right now, but she didn't want to burden them when she felt so low.

A heavy sigh slips out just as the staff in the corner of her room starts to glow. It was that nauseating purple color. Διόνυσος was calling for her. She almost wants to ignore it but she knows she shouldn't. She casts a glance to her door before she stands, making her way over to the staff, frowning at the purple glow. Hesitation. And then a grasp, to answer the call.

Διόνυσος greets her with its hard to look at smile, if you could even call it that. She knows that this would be another test. It always was. ( And she will fail, over and over. Because she can't accept the TRUTH. )

Despite knowing this, she still hopes that it'll be different this time.

Again, she is wrong.

"Something is bothering you." Its tone leaves no room for arguments, but that's what It was going to get from the young girl. It can tell by the way her shoulders hunch up. Ready to defend herself. This place, and Διόνυσος, brings out another side of her that she refuses to acknowledge. That she won't allow herself, because her mother says it isn't right.

She grits her teeth, nails digging into the palms of her hands. "I'm fine." The lie is so easy. Like second nature. Of course, Διόνυσος would have none of that. "Is that how you really feel?" It gives her a second chance. Even concepts can be foolish. She nods, and It sighs. It's grating on the ears, much like its laughter. Nothing about Διόνυσος puts her at ease. She doesn't understand why It keeps doing this. Calling her here just to push her buttons. To get her to admit things she didn't want to. The truth. It was always after the truth, and it made her feel nauseous.

"Your... mother is a problem. We both know this, yes? Yet, you do nothing about it. You just sit there and pretend. Why is that?"

Mary huffs in frustration. "I love my mother."

And Διόνυσος shakes Its head. "I'm growing tired of these lies, Mary." And she flinches. "What lies?" She asks, making herself smaller, like that would help her escape this uncomfortable situation. "I haven't lied at all. I do love-" Διόνυσος holds up a hand to stop her. "I have tested you many times, but it's always the same. You refuse to speak the truth your soul knows. It weighs heavy on you and yet, you let it crush you without protest." Mary's face flushes in anger and shame. Though the wording was different, it held its previous sentiment all the same. Telling her that she was letting this happen. Telling her that she was pretending. She didn't want to hear this from It.

"I do love her-" The anger is just as easy as the lie. But something about it makes her pause. She falters. The words no longer feel right in her mouth. The lie tastes sour. She tries to continue, but she can't. Not in the way she wanted to. "I should- I should love her but-" There's an almost hopeful shine in the eyes of the mask, growing brighter with each word spoken by the girl. Should, she says, like she was finally ready to admit what they both knew.

"...I don't want to talk about this anymore. Please."

Another test failed. It was to be expected. That woman was slowly breaking her down. Διόνυσος would not give up, even if it seemed bleak. As fun as it was to have these conversations, it was disheartening to see her like this every time. It cared, in Its own twisted way. So It would continue to call her here. It would continue these tests until she could see how terrible it all was.

She'll face the truth, one day, no matter how much she tries to avoid it.

And she'll never be the same.

"If that's what you wish. I urge you to give it more thought regardless. Do not let your anger rot. I believe that will be your greatest regret. Among other things I shall not name for your sake." It'd let this slide, like It has done countless times, because at least she was honest about not wanting to continue this. It would give her that much. All Mary does is nod. Defeated. She feels even worse than before, her chest and throat tight with the threat of more tears.

"That's all I wanted to say. We'll talk again soon, I'm sure." It leaves before she can react. Leaving her alone in this empty space without a name.

Mary stares at the "ground" for awhile, just lingering there, before she pulls herself out. Back in her room, she inhales sharply, hand automatically raising to wipe away the blood from her nose. Her head turns, just slightly, to catch herself in the reflection of her vanity mirror.

The girl looking back at her is miserable. But that's nothing new.

A smile is plastered on her face just as she hears a knock on her door. There's a click, and then nothing else. She rushes over to the door and opens it, looking up at her mother.

"It's time for dinner." Carol Belrose reaches out a hand to smooth out the unruly hair of her ~~perfect~~ daughter. A sad smile on her face. "I hope you aren't still upset with me. I'm only trying to keep you safe, and being out so late wouldn't be very smart. You know I love you very much, Maryann, don't you?"

"...Of course. I love you, too."

She ignores the way the words taste sour.

Current Mood: loved
Current Location: the belrose residence.
Current Music: polite and good // secret pie

You usually keep close to Rhexis and Zephyr as much as possible, but you can't really do much when you have classes with other midbloods. Just midbloods, to be exact. You have to deal with the stares being sent your way, the whispers behind your back, and the giggles loud enough for you to hear and you know it's on purpose. But that's fine. You'll get out of here soon enough, and then you'll find them. You just have to hold out for a bit longer.

When the bell to signal the end of the class goes off, you're quick to jump out of your seat and gather your things. What you don't notice, though, are the figures of trolls who are often less than kind to you approaching you from behind. You get shoved, then dragged out of the class, into a hallway. Your eyes have already started sparking as your fear rises. You bite the inside of your cheek to stop yourself from crying. You're not a wriggler.

What happens next is a bit of a blur. Awful things get said to you, as they typically do, but for some reason. This really gets to you. More than usual. You hear something about being pitied. About how you're just a freak, and no one would really want to be friends with someone like you. As they continue on, you start to realize why this hurt so badly. You actually had friends now. You actually had people you cared about, and you cared what they thought of you. You didn't actually believe they thought this way about you, but it was all so overwhelming, you couldn't do anything to stop it.

Sparks fly.

You couldn't do anything to stop it.

You hear a scream and you can't tell if it's coming from one of them or yourself. Your eyes burn, and they're growing hotter and hotter. You can feel that your face is wet, and you can tell something bad is going to happen.

You couldn't do anything to stop it.

You run.

You run out of the school, back to your hive. You couldn't stay. You didn't care if you got in trouble. You couldn't let anyone see you like this. Sobs are choked out of you as you stumble into an empty hive, and you immediately panic as the sparks turn into something more. You can't control it. It feels like your body is on fire. Your head is pounding. You grip your head first, a soundless scream escaping you, and then you cover your eyes. It burns and burns and burns. You can't tell how long it goes on for, all you know is how much it hurt.

Then you black out.

When you wake, it's dark.

You can hear pings coming from your phone but you can barely move. Your limbs feel heavy. And your hands- you flinch when you look at them. Your fingers have scorch marks on them. They'll probably scar as well. The heat from your eyes was blistering. If anyone found out about this, then you'd be culled for sure. You're terrified. All you can do is cry, curling in on yourself even more.

You tell yourself that you won't tell anyone. You'll start wearing gloves and hope no one cares enough to ask what happened.

But you know, when Rhexis looks at you, then at your hands, you couldn't keep anything from him.

Current Mood: nauseated
Current Music: don't be like mouse // kmoe

You wake on the ground again. Curled up, like an animal. Your ears flick lazily as you slowly grasp the state of being awake fully, eyes blinking blearily. You still feel angry, and upset, but more than that, you feel numb. You've cried so much, screamed until your throat became raw. You wanted to keep fighting. You wanted to get out of here, show them that you're not some beast to be kept in a cage. At some point, though, you realised that it was all a wasted effort. No one would listen to you, again. It's always been like this. It's always been like this, for you and for her. It was a mistake to think any differently. So maybe they proved something to you instead. That you are exactly what they think of you.

A mistake.

A monster.

You suppose it's better than what your mother wanted. A perfect daughter. You are not perfect, and you don't want to be her daughter either. Not if it meant you had to keep everything hidden deep within you. Not that you were ever good at expressing yourself either. Being someone else's "negative emotions" personified is what you've been boiled down to. You're scared. You don't want people to see you like this, to know what you're actually like, but you do at the same time. You want someone to see you and not look away. You want someone to hold you and never pull away. You want to be cared for. You want to mean something to someone, anyone. You want to hide away forever. You want to be forgotten, because maybe it'd be better that way. You're not really sure who you're supposed to be anymore. You're a mess of contradictions that will never see the light of day.

You slowly lift yourself from the ground, moving over to the window, gazing longingly outside of it. Your head rests on the windowsill, check pressed against the brick.

It's been awhile since you've seen another person. You only got to look in a few towers before you ended up here. Stuck in your own. The bars over the giant window taunt you everyday. If you were stronger, maybe you could break them.

...That would be a terrible idea, actually. There's no way you could do that without hurting yourself.

You huff out a sigh. Defeated already.

You wonder, fleetingly, if anyone else was awake yet. Did they know you were stuck in here? Was there a chance that you could be freed from this? That ugly feeling of hope blossoms in your chest at the thought. It only disappoints you. It only hurts you. And yet, you do nothing to stop its growth. You dare to dream of something better than this. You dare to wish for something more than this. If she won't, then only you can. You can do this for you both, even if you think it'll be pointless in the end. You just have to keep holding on. That's what you tell yourself. You just have to cling onto the feeling, dig your claws into it, until it finally gives in. You will not be silenced. You will not be smothered in this aching loneliness.

One day, you will be free.

One day, you won't be alone.

You would face anything if it meant that would be true.

You're the only one who can.

Current Mood: blank
Current Location: derse
Current Music: sightseer // chase petra

You are seventeen when you realise that you can't keep pretending that the things you see are nothing more than bad dreams.

You are seventeen when you wake up in the middle of the night with another pounding headache, and you think this might be your breaking point.

You are seventeen when, for the first time, you want to follow the vision given to you.

You are seventeen when you plan your escape.

The night is quiet but you are quieter. You only pack what you deem important in the moment, in a bag that you always use. It is worn and has seen better days. Books are piled in. You'll find somewhere else to stay, and find new clothes when you settle in. For now, this would be enough. It would have to be.

The vision you received told you that there was someone out there like you. Someone who would be willing to help you through this. The only identifying feature you had to go off of were striking purple eyes. You had no idea if they knew you would be coming. If they also suffered from the same strange images, the same strange messages. You had to hope this was the right thing to do, and they wouldn't turn you away.

You do not leave a message behind. If you did, Loki would know where to go looking for you, and you couldn't have that. Loki was extremely dear to you. The only one who believed you when you said there was something more to these supposed dreams. Again, you had to hope this was the right thing to do. What you do leave behind is a locket. One that matches the locket around your own neck. Maybe one day you would meet again. Maybe you'll feel guilty for the rest of your life for leaving like this. You knew you had to do this, though. You couldn't stay here. You couldn't live like this anymore.

Your gaze sweeps across your bedroom, a silent goodbye being given. You wouldn't come back ever again.

Part of you is relieved.

And the other part grieves the loss of something once so comforting.

Home.

You are seventeen when you leave your home behind.

You are seventeen when you cry the hardest that you ever have in all the years you've lived. At least, that's what it feels like.

You are seventeen and you have no idea where you're going.

You prayed for a path to follow. One was given to you, in a weird way. You are guided by the wind, by the chirping of birds, until you're face to face with the wild. The world beyond the walls of Thornz. You never dared to venture out this far before. You were satisfied reading about worlds you could not visit. How long would that satisfaction last, is the question. There was something calling out to you here. It pulled and tugged at you until you could no longer ignore it.

The first step you take is dizzying.

And the next, and the next, and the next after that.

You don't know if you're really prepared for this but you've come too far to give up.

Leaves crunch under your boots as you run through the wood. A laugh bubbles out of you. Your chest squeezes with a sense of belonging that you've never felt before. It's startling how familiar this feels to you. Like you were always meant to do this. This is where you were supposed to be. You knew it. Your soul knew it, too. Finally at peace.

You keep running and running, laughter growing louder, lungs burning faster. Despite the ever present headache, you don't stop. You can't stop. You've never felt this free before.

And then you fall.

You trip over the root of a tree, and you take a pretty bad tumble. Rolling across the ground until you bump into something. Or, someone. Your head swims as you lift it. Green meeting purple. A breathless laugh escapes you.

You are seventeen when you meet Ulan.

It won't be long until you realise that you love her.

But that's a story for another time.

Current Mood: nervous
Current Music: rule #20 - blessed by a curse // fish in a birdcage

Screaming can be heard behind you. It's faint. Which doesn't really make sense. You're not that far away yet. But the roaring in your ears makes everything sound muted. Your legs moved on their own, and you couldn't stop them. You didn't want to.

Your vision swims and blurs as your pace picks up, and up, and up until you're sprinting away from the beach, from your friends, from someone you thought loved you.

It's hard to keep your balance, to keep moving steadily, when you're not all there.

( "It's like- um.."
"A weird moment of clarity."
"Like, feeling like maybe you... don't deserve to have it?"
"Does that sound right?" )

You don't remember when you got inside your aunt's house, but you're laying on your side now, on the couch. Curled in on yourself. Staring blankly. Your mind slowly tries to process everything that happened. Your mind betrays you by playing old memories, searching for answers for this. You try to breathe out a sigh, but it gets stuck in your throat, and a sob replaces it. Your body shakes.

( "..It's like- an empty feeling, right?"
"Makes your chest ache." )

It burns your lungs. But you can't stop. You don't think you've ever felt this bad before. You don't like it. A hand clutches at your chest, like you could reach in and tear it out, but it's never that easy. It settles into your bones. Uninvited. Unwelcome.

( "...You deserve to be happy."
"I hope you know that." )

It feels like you've been crying for hours. It's turned silent at this point, your body still trembling. Your phone keeps lighting up with missed calls and text messages you can't bring yourself to look at.

You don't want to get up.

You don't want to get up.

You don't want to get up.

You don't want to-

You jolt awake. The room is darker. Colder. And everything is purple.

Current Mood: cold
Current Location: home?? // derse
Current Music: summersong // miyolophone

The beast is fed. Maw covered with sticky red. She purrs, and it is a deep rumble. She purrs, pleased with the feast she was given oh so graciously by her brother. Red eyes stare, unblinking, at Felix. For a fleeting second, one could swear to see recognition in them. But it leaves as quickly as it is thought to be there.

Her head bumps against him.

Then she stalks off, to find a place to rest. But of course, the little fox follows. To keep an eye on this monster. To make sure she does not harm anything else he hadn't already.

The presence of this thing causes a disturbance in the wood.

Branches part for her. Her steps leave a trail of red. She acts as though she owns the place. That she believes she belongs here as much as anything else did, as much as he did.

The cat curls up, beneath a tree.

Wide eyes closing. It's almost peaceful.

Then she begins to shift. And it is unnatural. It is sickening. Popping and cracking. Twisting shapes. Until the cat is no longer, and in her place is the rose. The rose held so fondly in many hearts. Her expression is pained. As always. But she never remembers why.

The fox waits.

The fox watches.

Just as the fox turns to leave, his sister mumbles something. He freezes in place, though he knows he shouldn't linger. His name. She said his name, like she was dreaming, like she was hoping for it to be true. His head turns. Her eyes are still closed.

He leaves before she can open them.

But the rose knows someone was there. When her eyes do open, she's confused. In the middle of the forest. How did she get here? Her head turns just as a figure disappears into the trees.

Something clenches in her chest.

This wasn't the first time this had happened.

She knew Felix was in here somewhere. If that really was him, why did he leave before she could see him fully?

Did he recognise her? ( She could barely recognise herself. )

...She wonders.

She wonders if her brother resents her. She wonders if her brother is conflicted, knowing who she is and what she represents. She isn't sure what to think anymore. ( She never asked for this. )

( She never asked to be made.
A sick wish for a tool to be used.
And she doesn't even know. )

Mary lays there. Body aching. This would pass, but never quick enough. She'd never catch up to him. She'd never see him. It would stay a dream.

She was alone.

No one knew she was here.

The sun was just beginning to rise.

A bitter smile plays on her face, knowing that she has no explanation for this. Her mom was going to be angry again. For something that wasn't her fault. For something out of her control.

Still.

Still, all she can think about is Felix.

The anger would have been worth it if she could see him.

Her eyes close again. Just a moment longer.

The wood is quiet.

She'll go home soon. ( She'll regret it all over again. )

Current Mood: groggy
Current Location: the woods.
Current Music: neath the grove is a heart // yaelokre

Every morning is the same routine.

Brushing teeth.

Taking a shower.

Skincare routine.

Brushing hair.

Getting dressed in whatever outfit her mother had chosen for the day.

It was simple. ( It was repetitive. ) It was comfortable. ( It was suffocating. )

Maryann Belrose, The Rose of Briarwood. That's who she was, and she was expected to look the part. She was expected to follow the rules, to do as she was told without question. And she did! And she does. Her mother wanted what was best for her. Her mother knew best. The rose would stay bright and vivid under these conditions. The rose could only thrive in this environment.

She stares at her reflection.

( She forgets that her hair used to be much shorter.
She forgets that she used to get dressed in whatever she wanted.
She forgets that this wasn't what she wanted.
She forgets that she had a voice.
She forgets herself. )

She looks down at her hand.

( She remembers how warm theirs used to be.
Her skin itches, yearning for that feeling again.
She refuses to forget them, despite what they told her.
She still has their number saved, just in case. She checks her phone often, just in case.
But nobody calls. )

( She remembers how small his used to be.
Barely fitting in hers, still holding on tight.
Her hand clenches, full of regret.
She wanted to protect him, like a big sister would. She wanted to be there for him, like a big sister would.
But he slipped through her fingers. )

She can't help but blame herself for everything. Maybe if she noticed things sooner, maybe if she was a better person, maybe, maybe, maybe.

But maybes wouldn't change anything.

She doubts that she'll see either of them again. And she has to be fine with that.

( A friendship bracelet. A carved cat totem. )

She smiles at herself in the mirror. Practicing. Polite. Friendly. Bright and warm.

She checks the time.

Then, she heads out to meet up with Levi, just like she promised.

The sun shines on the rose once more.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Location: the belrose residence.
Current Music: cognitive dissonance // sophie holohan

Vivian stands in front of the cabin, gloved hands warmed by the hot cup of coffee she was idly sipping on. ( Mostly for the warmth. It tasted of nothing. ) Part of her was restless. Staying in one place for this long wasn't good. She knew that. But, Cain and Casey had convinced her to stay. ( They didn't really do much. Only one comment from both and she had agreed immediately. That wasn't like her at all. ) The part that had agreed so readily was relieved. Happy, even, to be able to stay in a warm place with a comfortable bed. She couldn't remember the last time she felt this well rested. And it made her think, would it really be so bad to stay longer? The people who owned the cabin were so sweet. So kind. She knew that if she asked, they'd be thrilled to have her.

The pang of hunger that sits in her stomach reminds her why she can't, though. She felt bad, denying the food offered to her. Felt worse, when she finally gave in and ate something, and it sat on her tongue like lead. She'd have to do it again and again if she stayed. She'd have to make excuses on why she was covered in blood after satisfying her hunger, again and again. There was no way she could do that to these people. To lie right to their faces. It made her feel sick.

She stares down into the black liquid in the cup, a blurry reflection gazing back at her. She was a mess. Missing an eye. Body covered in scars. She was barely a person. She couldn't even be considered human at this point. Just a thing, wandering, trying to pursue a goal that she wasn't even sure would make her happy. Why did she make this deal in the first place? Did it really sound that tempting? Was it really worth all this pain and heartache?

Something shifts on the ground, but before she can get a good look, there's a weight on her arm. A white snake is curled around it, its head resting lazily. Pink meets pink. The snake seems to frown up at her. "You again," Vivian stated plainly, a sigh drifting out, "I know I can't stay. You don't have to look at me that way." The snakes tightens around her arm. It is still and quiet. Then the snake shifts, and a hand is tilting her chin up. Pink meets pink, again. Though, the snake is gone, in its place a more humanoid figure stands. White hair curtains them both, shielding them from the world. It, the figure, stares down at her, eyes full of concern and something else she can't quite place. It speaks, and its voice is many. "Vivian. I only worry for you, you know that. You cannot remain here. It will only hurt you." It rests its forehead against hers and her eye closes. Warm. Everything about it is warm in a way it shouldn't be, but is anyway. "You must leave tonight. Do not let them convince you otherwise. We both know what you want, yes? It isn't here. So don't waste any more time."

When her eye opens again, the figure is gone. She looks around for the snake, but it does not remain either.

She pulls the phone out. Idly going through her messages with Casey. They didn't talk much today. She was too afraid to start up conversation again. There wasn't enough time. There was never enough time. She thinks of Cain. She thinks of the ravens. A sigh of frustration leaves her as she goes back inside. She needed to ask for a coat. And maybe a bag to hold things in, if possible.

She wouldn't be staying for much longer.

Current Location: cabin.
Current Music: Eat // Jack Conte

Fragmented memories dance across eyes sealed shut. A restless dream that wasn't dream at all is interrupted rather abruptly.

As the YOU surrounded by the company you could only hope to keep falls unconscious. The YOU here stirs awake. And it is quite the sight to behold.

A lot happens all at once. Feelings forced onto one being without warning.

Eyes open.

An invisible weight crushes you, forcing you to gasp for air. The fear is immediate. It washes over you, drowning you, dragging you down into its depths.

You're dying.

Or, that's what it feels like.

You know you're not, but everything else inside of you is convinced that it's true. You're shaking. No sound will leave you, like you're suffocating on the air you're trying to keep in your lungs, to keep yourself alive.

You haven't felt this bad before. You've never hurt this much and, despite the want to live, it makes you wish you were actually dying.

The fear slowly turns to anger. To absolute rage. Rage only you can feel. Rage that she refuses herself. You want to break him. You want to sink your teeth into his flesh and rend it. His boldness to make claims on your life is something you cannot, will not, accept. And you'll see to it that he regrets ever crossing paths with you.

...That rage slowly crawls to guilt. For leaving them behind with all of this. You need to believe that they'll wake you up if something happens. It's the only thing you can do.

You lay in bed with tears in your eyes, and a headache matching your waking self.

Current Mood: awake
Current Music: ilomilo // billie eilish

Niamh thinks back on what happened today as she gets comfortable in bed, staring at the wall blankly.

She woke up, getting a text from Timur first, asking if she was around. Which lead to her texting Oliver, telling him that she was going to be meeting with Timur soon. He surprised her by saying that he'd just talk to her after, telling her to have fun and be safe. It confused her, but she didn't push it. Still. She didn't feel entirely comfortable going alone, so, after texting Timur that she was here, that she'd meet him outside, she also texted Leo. She told him that she was nervous about a meeting she was having with someone, and that she would really appreciate it if he showed up with her.

..Was it wrong of her to do that? When Oliver invited himself, it bothered her. But then she asked someone else to join her. To be the bystander of a private conversation. A conversation that ended up being way more mentally taxing than she anticipated.

Her eyes squeeze shut, deciding not to think on it further.

She focuses on Leo instead.

Leo, who comforted her.

Leo, who stayed despite it all.

Leo,
ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ⠀⠀⠀ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤLeo,
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Leo.

It was embarrassing to admit, but she couldn't stop thinking about him. How warm he was. How safe she felt in his arms, how right it felt. She just didn't want to make the same mistakes. Jump into something without thinking it through. She was reckless, she knew that. But this was different. Romance wasn't something she was familiar with. She had never been in love before. How were you even supposed to tell? Would it be strange to ask Con and Rhys how they knew? She presses her face into her pillow at the thought, huffing in frustration.

Hopefully tomorrow would be better. She could learn new spells, explore the school some more. Maybe make more friends if she wasn't too nervous about it, considering... everything. She knew that she'd have to talk to Oliver as well, but that was future Ducky's problem. She needed to figure out what to say so she didn't stumble over her words. She needed to be clear about her feelings, get her point across. She would be heard, no matter what. And... maybe she could ask Leo to join her when the time came to talk to Oliver. Having him around would make her feel a lot better.

With all these thoughts swirling in her head, it takes a bit for her to finally fall asleep. And when she does, the last thing she thinks of is waking up with Leo being there.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Rule #1: Magic // Fish in a Birdcage

How are you meant to live with the choices you've made when you weren't told how heavy they'd be? How important they'd all be, in every moment?

Was there a different way? How do you stop the world from ending? How do you save someone's life?

There's always so much being asked of you.

You're tired of it.

It feels like you're drowning in a sea of endless possibilities with no clear answer of which one is right and which one is wrong. It drives you mad. There's no way out. Your legs are too weak to continue kicking and you give up because what else can you do?

( But. . .

There's someone there to pull you out. Isn't there?

Reaching out, grasping onto you like you're their lifeline when it's clearly the other way around.

Reaching out, like you're someone important they can't lose. )

You've hid yourself away on your land. It wasn't the best hiding spot, but you're sure no one was going to bother looking for you. And you didn't want them to.

( You keep telling yourself that you don't want them to. )

You wanted to run away from it all. You wanted to leave it all behind, because what you were told was a lie and it's always been that way. Why couldn't you have seen it that way sooner? Or maybe you did, but you just had to push it all back. For the sake of others. When did anyone do that for you? When did anyone take you into consideration?

Why did this have to happen.

Why didn't anyone-

"Mary."

You flinch at the voice coming from behind you. Despite it all, part of you had hoped someone would go looking for you, but then what? You didn't want to face anyone. They hated you. Because you didn't tell them the truth until it was too late.

You thought they trusted you.

You thought they would be understanding.

But you were a fool back then. But you were so stupid-

"Mary. I need you to look at me."

Hearing the voice again, you know you can't fight the urge to look, so you turn, because it's them. You could never run from them. Not really. Because you love them. Even if that feeling is never returned, you'll still love them. Keep loving them. That's all you know how to do, when it comes to- "Urei."

Seeing their helmet resting against their side, your eyes are immediately drawn to their face.

You feel breathless.

You want to keep staring, to study their features, to commit everything to memory right now like it was the last moment you had with them.

They take a few steps forward
and you take a few steps back.

You're nervous.

You look down.

What if this was it? What if they hated you for leaving? You wouldn't blame them. You promised you would stay with them. No matter what. And you broke that promise, because you felt broken.

You're scared.

Urei meant so much to you. Urei means so much to you. It's cruel and wrong to assume the worst of them but your mind is clouded with your own self-hatred that you can't stop. You wish that you could stop. You wish that this would all stop. You wish-

They're closer now.

You look up at them with wide eyes, confused on how they got this close without you noticing. You don't move away even though you think you should. You keep staring. Keep memorising. Heart beating frantically.

Their hand reaches out and it settles on your cheek. You immediately lean into it. Without a thought, without hesitation, you lean into the comfort offered to you and it makes your chest hurt. Tears blurring your vision.

There's a long stretch of silence where you try to figure out what to say. Where anything could happen.

Before you can fully process it, you're being pulled into their chest with their free arm, feeling it wrap around your shoulders tightly. The hand that was on your cheek is now held behind your head to keep you in place. You stiffen. Your brain panics. You're trapped and your fangs are bared and your ears flatten against your head, reacting like you're going to be hurt.

Don't trust anyone.
Don't trust anyone.
Don't trust-

"You're a real idiot if you thought I wouldn't find you." You can feel their lips moving against your head, only now noticing that their face is also pressed against it. Their nose is buried in your hair and that's what makes you calm down. That's what makes you remember who this is. The one person who wouldn't hurt you. That didn't lie to you, force you to do things without any regard to how you felt.

Your body relaxes for a moment before you're clutching onto them, gritting your teeth as you try to hold back the rest of the tears that are forming in your eyes.

"Why- are you here?" Your words are choked out. You sound upset that someone found you, but the rumble of a purr in your chest betrays how you really feel.

There's another beat of silence.

"I thought I would be the one teaching you things, originally. But- But you've taught me a lot. More than you know." Their voice is still as strained as you remember. Forcing words out, words that need to be said, even if it isn't easy. The idea of being vulnerable is still horrifying to them, but here they are.

You cling tighter as they continue to speak.

"...You're so kind, Mary. I don't even understand how someone can be this kind, but I'm glad you are. That kindness is why I'm here." Here, in this place. Here, in general. If Urei had the choice, they probably would've fucked off somewhere else too, but they stayed. They stayed for you.

You don't understand why.

( But you do. There's no way you couldn't understand. Even if you don't know everything about them, you know them. )

You gasp out a "Stop-" as you begin to sob in their arms. It's overwhelming. Realising how much someone truly cared about you, how important you could be, how much impact you could have on one person. "I didn't- do anything-"

You hear a sigh, a sharp inhale, then you see their face again. Your chin is tilted up. And you can't look away.

"That's the thing, Mary. You didn't do anything. You didn't try to fix me, like- everyone else has been trying to do. You don't look at me like some I'm some wounded animal. That's why I can't-"

They close their eyes. Brows pinched. Lips pressed in a thin line as they, very noticeably, tried to hype themself up for what they wanted to say.

"I can't lose you. I need you, okay? More than- anything else. I don't want to be in the dark anymore, when I have the light right in ffront of me."

And it definitely looked like saying that hurt them! Like they felt like the sappiest loser freak on the planet.

A watery laugh escapes you in disbelief. You're so used to them dancing around the things they want, never directly addressing it. That's just how they were. Not that you're complaining! You're definitely not complaining. Their words fill your chest with a warmth you so desperately craved. A hope blooming. A hope that, maybe, they could feel the same way about you.

Maybe, one day, they'd love you.

( You don't dare do anything more than hope. It was enough to have them here right now. You couldn't ruin that. )

"I didn't think you'd say something like that. You're so sappy." Another giggle slips out. You shouldn't be teasing them like this, but your emotions are running wild. You don't know what to do with yourself. Your smile wobbles as you continue speaking. "I'm sorry for leaving. I'm-" Your breath hitches as a fresh wave of tears overtakes you. "I'm really sorry."

They tsk, releasing your chin to hug you properly.

"Stop apologising so much. If anyone was going to understand why you ran, it'd be me. So don't bother. All you have to do is stay with me. Can you promise me that?"

You nod into their chest.

"I promise."

And you intended to keep it this time.

Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: Die With A Smile // Lady Gaga, Bruno Mars

There is a sick crack as bones move back into place.

As something that should be dead opens her eyes to The World once again.

So bright, The World says.

Me or you, the something asks, with a giggle.

And the world laughs,
and laughs,
and laughs,
and laughs.

You ask the funniest questions, The World replies, fondly.

And you love me, the something states the truth.

The truth.

The truth, the truth, the truth,

The truth of the matter is, you aren't supposed to get back up when you die. But The World was funny, too. The World liked this something so much that it didn't want to let her go.

So it didn't.

The World held onto this something tightly, and she embraced it just as tight, just as fondly. The World loved this something. The World blessed this something. And this something knew that, no matter what, if everyone else rejected her, The World would never.

It would bring her back,
and back,
and back,
and back again.

For as long as The World kept turning, this something would thrive.

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Location: ???
Current Music: Dinner Is Not Over // Jack Stauber

Your sickness started when you were young. A coughing fit here and there. A few nose bleeds. Moments where you couldn't even get out of bed without feeling like you were going to puke your guts out. But your parents took you to doctors, got you things to help you feel better. To numb the ache. Because they cared. Because they loved you.

And that's what got you through it. Their love for you and the love they had for each other. You could tell that, no matter what happened, they would love one another for a very long time. It was inspiring. You wanted that, too. So you needed to get better. You needed to prove that their love wasn't going to waste just because you were sick.

But feelings like that couldn't last forever.

Because that love was more fragile than you thought.

As you got older, you tried to ignore how things were changing.

As you got older, you tried to ignore how this was all your fault.

You've heard the arguments between them. About the sickness. How it was too much, how you were becoming a burden. It only got worse when your mother finally confronted your father about the shady business he was dealing in. He denied it, of course, but he couldn't outrun it forever. Especially when they all lost everything.

The day they lost the love for each other.

The day you lost the love from your parents.

Because the blame always came back to you.

Their sick, burdensome daughter.

Losing the house was the final straw, you think. When everything became too much. You were still sick. You were still suffering. And when you were brought to the shelter, you thought this was what you deserved.

Until you met that woman.

She was... strange. A looming shadow, but that didn't bother you. In fact, her presence comforted you. It felt like you had a mother again. Someone who wanted to look after you, care for you, love you. And that's all you wanted.

She'd talk to you for hours. Tell you about things you'd only read in fairy tales. She made you believe in a brighter future. Made you believe that you could still attain that love you were chasing after. You just needed to leave this life behind. Stay with her.

The decision was easy.

She took you away from it all. Saved you. Brought you to her home in the middle of the woods, away from everyone. But that was fine. It would all be worth it in the end.

For the first time, it felt like you could breathe without suffocating on your sickness.

True love did exist.

True love was possible, for a sick girl like you.

And nothing would get in your way.

Current Mood: grateful
Current Music: identity // will stetson

Mary sits at the dining table with her Mother. Her Mother has noticed that Mary hasn't been very focused lately. Drifting off. Not following the list given to her. Slacking off. Of course, she's only worried. Of course, she needs to fix this problem. So she clears her throat. Hands folded and resting under her chin. She levels her daughter with a look that is supposed to be concerned, but it invokes a sense of disappointment all the same.

Mary looks up, putting her fork down, giving her Mother her full attention.

And then she speaks.

"You've been talking to this... online friend of yours quite often, Maryann." She starts off extremely direct. There was no point in beating around the bush. Mary tenses slightly. "I know I gave you permission to use the computer because of the other young adults you've met, the ones at the parties we attend, but you've become... Well, I don't want to embarrass you. But don't you think you've become a bit obsessed?"

And Mary's eyes widen.

"I-" Her Mother holds up a hand. "I'm not finished." Mary's mouth shuts automatically. "As I was saying... I only want what's best for you. You know that, don't you? I want you to succeed, live a happy life, the life I've set out for you. You can't do that if you can't follow simple instructions, though." She shakes her head. "That friend of yours is a distraction, a nuisance, really. Do you think they'll help you reach the life you deserve?" She waits. The silence in the room is almost deafening. Mary can hear her heart pounding, ringing in her ears.

Waiting, waiting, waiting, "I'm waiting for an answer, Maryann. Yes or no?"

She knows. She can't tell her about how she feels about this "friend". About CC. She'd probably laugh, and point out that you don't even know their name. How much did they really care about you, Maryann, if they keep everything about themself a secret? Like they don't want you to know them. Like they don't want to know you, at all.

Her hands clench and unclench. Stalling. Waiting and more waiting.

Her Mother sighs.

"You know I love you, right?"

Mary's eyes snap up to meet her Mother's gaze.

"Of course- I love you, too."

"Then you'll stop talking to them, won't you?"

"...Stop?"

"Of course. They're getting in the way, I've already explained this. Unless you can give me a reason on why they need to be in your life, then there shouldn't be an issue in cutting them out."

She feels cold.

She doesn't want to stop. She doesn't want to lose them. She has to answer, say something, say anything, before it's too late. She can't hesitate anymore. Even if the words are hard to get out.

"...I like them." No. No, no, no. Say something else. "They've- They've been teaching me things. It's been... easier talking with people at the events because of them."

Her Mother stares for what feels like an eternity. She knows. She knows. But she doesn't focus on it.

I like them.
I like them.
I like them.

"I see." Is all she says before she stands. "Don't forget to clean everything up after you're done. You still have things to do." She pauses. Says nothing else. Then leaves the room.

Later on, Mary finds that her computer is no longer in her room. Just for now. She knows it'll be back soon.

She just hopes they won't forget about her.

Current Mood: guilty
Current Music: the family jewels // MARINA

My mother tells me to be a good girl and with a ~~fake, forced, never reaching my eyes,~~ bright smile, I nod happily. Because I am good. And I'll always listen.

That's the way it's supposed to be. That's the way she raised me to be. That's the way she tells me it is, and always will be.

Who am I to argue against her word?

Her warm, gentle word. She's always so kind. She's always so sweet. She tells me that she loves me, when she gives me a treat.

...But that's the only time.

Am I greedy for wanting more than those fleeting moments? I am surely envious when I see other kids and their parents smiling like they mean it at each other. But she has pride in me, her only daughter. So I am never wrathful, I am always kind. To be slothful when there is much to be done never crosses my mind. I just have a lust for life. And doesn't everyone?

And yet...

And yet, and yet, and yet.

Maryann...

When my name is spoken, why does it strike fear into my heart?

Maryann...

When my name is spoken, why do I feel like I have done something wrong?

I am good.
I am good.
I am good.

Just the way she wants me to be.

Just the way everyone wants me to be.

So, please, don't hate me.

Current Mood: loved
Current Location: a perfect life.

I stare up at the ceiling, listening to the sound of you sleeping next to me. Your heartbeat comforts me. Knowing you're there at all puts me at ease. But I need to get out of bed. I need to, even though I would rather not leave your side.

There's an annoying itch in the back of my throat. I know what it means, and that's why I need to get up. I know, I know, I know. So I push myself, force myself to get up, de-tangling myself from you. Carefully. Careful as I can be. Then you wake up, sit up, rubbing your eye. The room is dark but I can tell that you're looking at me. Confused. "..Go back to sleep, okay? I'll be right back." I don't move until you're laying again.

My feet pad against the cold ground, making me shiver. Each step takes me closer to the bathroom. Closer, and closer. Until I reach the door. My hand shakes as I place it over the doorknob, fumbling to turn it. I huff in frustration. This shouldn't be so hard. I shouldn't have so much trouble doing such simple things.

( Pointless to dwell on things like this. I can't change anything. )

When I finally get the door open, I turn the light on. It's blinding, the light. But it doesn't bother me. It stopped being an issue over the years. Used to it shining down on me.

The door shuts behind me, my back pressing against it. The itching just keeps getting worse. Sometimes it makes me want to claw at my throat, to get rid of it, but I know that won't do anything. My fingers brush over the bandages around my neck anyway. Then drop, hand back at my side. And I just stand there. And I just stare at the ground. Until it's all too much. Until I can't deal with it anymore. The itching. The burning in the back of my throat.

I sway on my feet.

Then I'm leaning over the toilet, clutching the sides of it, as red pours from my mouth. It hurts. My eyes tear up. It's hard to breath. All I can taste is iron. Something metallic.

Red, red, red.

I take in a greedy gulp of air, body trembling, fingers straining to keep a grip on the porcelain. It hurts. It hurts. It doesn't stop hurting, even after I'm done. It's sickening. My stomach feels like it's been turned inside out. Everything inside of me is wrong.

The blood lingers in my mouth.

The blood lingers.

My legs wobble as I push myself up to stand. My head turns, to face the mirror, and I feel sick again. I look sick. Skin unnaturally pale. Tired eyes. No, tired isn't very fitting. Exhausted. That's a much better word. I don't really care if that doesn't make sense. I'm delirious. A laugh slips out. And then another. I have to cover my mouth to muffle my laughter.

I don't understand.

I really, really don't understand.

Did I deserve this?

...Sometimes I wonder if you knew what you were signing up for when you brought me here. If you knew how much of a hassle I would be. Like a stray cat. Something you took pity on, something you were sure you could take better care of. You wouldn't abandon an animal in need. But that's the issue. I wasn't an animal. I was human. Abandoning an animal was much crueler than abandoning a human, if you really thought about it. Domesticated animals can't survive on their own. They need someone to take care of them. They don't know any better. But humans know how to survive. They know what they have to do. I thought I knew.

I'm scared.

I'm scared that one day you'll realise that I wasn't worth the trouble.

Ignore me. Cast me aside. That's what I'm used to. But I didn't want that. For the first time, I didn't want that. Not from you.

I think it would kill me.

If this sickness didn't get to me first, then that surely would.

I told you I would be right back but I don't know how long I've been gone. It feels like I've been standing in this bathroom for hours, when maybe only a few minutes had passed by. I hold my head, groaning in pain. Thinking about it wasn't helping. I should stop. I should stop. I should leave.

( The toilet is flushed and I watch the blood leave. I grimace. Then I turn away. )

When I exit the bathroom, my eyes drift over in the direction of the front door. I should leave. Leave before I get hurt here, too. Leave before you realise that you've had enough of me. But I don't. Despite it all, I can't bring myself to leave. Because that felt like abandonment. That felt like I was leaving you behind. I'm nothing like her.

My feet lead me back to your room. My body feels heavy. My eyes feel heavy.

I crawl into bed, getting close to you. Clinging to you like you were my lifeline. And maybe you were. It felt like you were.

My head rests on your chest. To listen to your heartbeat.

You're still awake. Waited for me. I'm so greedy. You make me a greedy person. I don't want to lose this. And that scares me. Because I know what to expect. I thought I knew what to expect. But when you pull me closer, I don't know anything anymore.

Except the sound of your heart.

Lulling me to sleep.

Current Mood: nauseated
Current Location: ???
Current Music: god must hate me // catie turner

The hospital gown clings to me like a second skin. I'm more used to wearing it than the regular clothes they let me have. I can hear them talking to Aerith again. I can hear Aerith talking to them again, trying to get them to listen to what she had to say. I know it's pointless. I know that no matter what she says, it won't change anything. I've accepted that. I've accepted a lot of things.

I've started to hate my sister.

They call her good, they call her sweet, they say they're proud of her. And they never take it back. And they never say she needs to improve.

It's just me.

So I hate her.

I hate her for being better than me. I hate her for thinking she could change things just because they like her better. They'll listen to me, you'll see. They'll listen to you. They'll listen to you. That's the problem. That's always been the problem. She thinks she's better, too. That's why she does this. To rub it in my face.

As they take me away to that cold, white room, I watch you stand there with a sad look in your eyes. But you don't do anything. But you can't do anything. We're both kids. Yet, I still wished you did more. I wish you fought harder. I wish you didn't give in so easily because you felt so secure in your place here. That's why you don't speak out often. You have it good and you know it.

You know it.

And so do I.

I tear my gaze away from you, staring straight ahead. Dull grey meeting pure white like an old friend. A familiarity that makes me sick. A familiarity that comforts me even though it shouldn't.

It'll be over soon.

Just get it over with.

My eyes feel heavy as I lay on the table. Many things press into my skin, to monitor me. My heart, my brain, whatever they could get their hands on. I'm always so tired. I feel so drained. And that was a good thing. It made their jobs easier. I don't have the strength to fight back anyway. My eyes feel heavy, heavy, heavy.

I didn't bother asking what they were going to do today.

It didn't matter.

I didn't matter.

My eyes felt heavy, and then the world went dark.

Current Mood: blank
Current Location: project cloud
Current Music: fruiting bodies // riproducer

I didn't know I was capable of feeling something like this. I had nothing to compare this feeling to, but I knew it had to mean something. It had to mean something when his words made my heart skip a beat, a beat, a beat. It made me feel sick but it was different. I didn't want this sickness to go away. I didn't want him to stop. I hung onto every word the same way I hung onto him. Hungry. Starved for something I thought I wasn't allowed to have. I wanted more, more of him.

Maybe I was becoming greedy. But he had to know he was feeding a monster. Once I had a taste, I couldn't stop. I felt alive. I felt seen. I felt ~~loved~~.

I needed to know if this was ~~love~~.

Could it be ~~love~~?

I wanted it to be ~~love~~.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

The words are unfamiliar on my tongue. They feel wrong even when I want them to be right. It had to be something. Even though I was scared of it, it had to be. If it was, if it was, if it was... would he love me, too? Could he love me, too? I wanted him to love me, too. I think I would do anything if it meant that he belonged to me. Mine. And mine alone. I wanted to be his. I've never asked for more than what I was given before.

It hurt.
It hurt.
It hurt.

I want to know what he thinks of me. I want to know if he thinks of me as much as I think of him. I want to know if he loves me. It makes me sick, because I know I'll never be able to ask.

But I'll think about it.
I'll dream about it.

The day when you'll love me, too.

Current Mood: nauseated
Current Music: RUNRUNRUN // Dutch Melrose

I did my best to not take up too much space. This wasn't my place. I was an outsider. I still didn't understand why you wanted to bring me here, why you did all that to break me out. It doesn't make sense. It was fine as a thought. I even entertained it a little, humored you.

"If you can find a way, I'll go with you, Genkei."

But I knew you couldn't. You shouldn't have been able to. But you did. Somehow, you did, and now I'm at a loss. This wasn't supposed to happen. I shouldn't be here. It was so much easier being back there because I knew what to expect, what was expected of me. Now I don't. Now I don't know what I deserve.

I pull the dinosaur quilt over my face, to hide myself. I don't know if you're awake. I don't know if you're sleeping. I don't want you to see me like this, though. That part I do know. Like this. Choked up with tears. I should be glad to be out of there. I should be happy that I don't have to hurt anymore. But I'm terrified.

What if they come looking for me? What if they hurt you because of me? Was I really worth it. Was any of this worth it.

I don't know,
I don't know,
I don't know.

I don't know anything anymore.

I don't belong here. In this nice house. With a nice family. I should've stayed on the floor. Should've done something more to convince you that I really was fine where I was. I hate this. I wish I could rip this fear out of my chest, and crush it between my hands. Get rid of it. Get rid of it. I'm not supposed to care so much, not supposed to be scared, because this was just how things were. Keep my mouth shut and keep moving forward.

I can't stop crying. I don't know why. I don't miss that place, do I? I don't miss the people there, do I?

They hated me.
They hated me.
They hated me.

I had to stop fooling myself. There was no love, there was no like, there was no dislike. It was all hate. And that's what I deserved. That's what they made me think I deserved. I didn't know what I deserved.

I grit my teeth, frustrated with myself, frustrated with the tears that wouldn't go away no matter how hard I tried. And then there's shuffling. A pat on the mattress. I freeze up, inhaling sharply. If you weren't awake before, you are now.

You probably think I'm weak, don't you?
And I am.
I am weak.

..But you hold my hand when I reach out anyway. I don't understand. I don't think I ever will. But maybe it's better this way. Better not to dwell on it.

Because when you hold my hand, the fear goes away, even if it's just for one night.

My chest is empty. I wish it would stay that way.

I wish that I deserved to stay.

I want to stay,
with you,
and I know you'll let me.

Even though I don't think you should.

Current Mood: numb
Current Location: ???
Current Music: fruiting bodies // riproducer

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mizi

July 2026

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mizi

Recent Entries

oh, forgive me lord, oh, i'm a good girl.

you are so good at pretending.

if this is what we live for, i don't want it.

consciousness is a phase.

my heart's a mess, my head is worse.

you've taken the summer sky with you.

you'll soon forget home.

chase a wish through the trees.

nothing sings like a good distraction.

i just wanted to protect you.

i wanna speak to your soul, this is our conversation starter.

wherever you go, that's where i'll follow.

i've tasted dying and it tasted good!

the real culprit there was love.

typical of me to put us all to shame.

i am good.

when i look in the mirror for too long, it hurts.

left discarded and forgotten right under your nose.

say you'll love me to death, 'cause i will.

my mind's eye is defined by contrariety.