my mind's eye is defined by contrariety.

[theohhellos]

I did my best to not take up too much space. This wasn't my place. I was an outsider. I still didn't understand why you wanted to bring me here, why you did all that to break me out. It doesn't make sense. It was fine as a thought. I even entertained it a little, humored you.

"If you can find a way, I'll go with you, Genkei."

But I knew you couldn't. You shouldn't have been able to. But you did. Somehow, you did, and now I'm at a loss. This wasn't supposed to happen. I shouldn't be here. It was so much easier being back there because I knew what to expect, what was expected of me. Now I don't. Now I don't know what I deserve.

I pull the dinosaur quilt over my face, to hide myself. I don't know if you're awake. I don't know if you're sleeping. I don't want you to see me like this, though. That part I do know. Like this. Choked up with tears. I should be glad to be out of there. I should be happy that I don't have to hurt anymore. But I'm terrified.

What if they come looking for me? What if they hurt you because of me? Was I really worth it. Was any of this worth it.

I don't know,
I don't know,
I don't know.

I don't know anything anymore.

I don't belong here. In this nice house. With a nice family. I should've stayed on the floor. Should've done something more to convince you that I really was fine where I was. I hate this. I wish I could rip this fear out of my chest, and crush it between my hands. Get rid of it. Get rid of it. I'm not supposed to care so much, not supposed to be scared, because this was just how things were. Keep my mouth shut and keep moving forward.

I can't stop crying. I don't know why. I don't miss that place, do I? I don't miss the people there, do I?

They hated me.
They hated me.
They hated me.

I had to stop fooling myself. There was no love, there was no like, there was no dislike. It was all hate. And that's what I deserved. That's what they made me think I deserved. I didn't know what I deserved.

I grit my teeth, frustrated with myself, frustrated with the tears that wouldn't go away no matter how hard I tried. And then there's shuffling. A pat on the mattress. I freeze up, inhaling sharply. If you weren't awake before, you are now.

You probably think I'm weak, don't you?
And I am.
I am weak.

..But you hold my hand when I reach out anyway. I don't understand. I don't think I ever will. But maybe it's better this way. Better not to dwell on it.

Because when you hold my hand, the fear goes away, even if it's just for one night.

My chest is empty. I wish it would stay that way.

I wish that I deserved to stay.

I want to stay,
with you,
and I know you'll let me.

Even though I don't think you should.