How are you meant to live with the choices you've made when you weren't told how heavy they'd be? How important they'd all be, in every moment? 

Was there a different way? How do you stop the world from ending? How do you save someone's life? 

There's always so much being asked of you.

You're tired of it.

It feels like you're drowning in a sea of endless possibilities with no clear answer of which one is right and which one is wrong. It drives you mad. There's no way out. Your legs are too weak to continue kicking and you give up because what else can you do?

( But. . .

There's someone there to pull you out. Isn't there? 

Reaching out, grasping onto you like you're their lifeline when it's clearly the other way around. 

Reaching out, like you're someone important they can't lose. )

You've hid yourself away on your land. It wasn't the best hiding spot, but you're sure no one was going to bother looking for you. And you didn't want them to. 

( You keep telling yourself that you don't want them to. )

You wanted to run away from it all. You wanted to leave it all behind, because what you were told was a lie and it's always been that way. Why couldn't you have seen it that way sooner? Or maybe you did, but you just had to push it all back. For the sake of others. When did anyone do that for you? When did anyone take you into consideration?

Why did this have to happen. 

Why didn't anyone-

"Mary." 

You flinch at the voice coming from behind you. Despite it all, part of you had hoped someone would go looking for you, but then what? You didn't want to face anyone. They hated you. Because you didn't tell them the truth until it was too late. 

You thought they trusted you. 

You thought they would be understanding.

But you were a fool back then. But you were so stupid-

"Mary. I need you to look at me."

Hearing the voice again, you know you can't fight the urge to look, so you turn, because it's them. You could never run from them. Not really. Because you love them. Even if that feeling is never returned, you'll still love them. Keep loving them. That's all you know how to do, when it comes to- "Urei."

Seeing their helmet resting against their side, your eyes are immediately drawn to their face.

You feel breathless.

You want to keep staring, to study their features, to commit everything to memory right now like it was the last moment you had with them.

They take a few steps forward
and you take a few steps back. 

You're nervous. 

You look down.

What if this was it? What if they hated you for leaving? You wouldn't blame them. You promised you would stay with them. No matter what. And you broke that promise, because you felt broken. 

You're scared.

Urei meant so much to you. Urei means so much to you. It's cruel and wrong to assume the worst of them but your mind is clouded with your own self-hatred that you can't stop. You wish that you could stop. You wish that this would all stop. You wish- 

They're closer now.

You look up at them with wide eyes, confused on how they got this close without you noticing. You don't move away even though you think you should. You keep staring. Keep memorising. Heart beating frantically. 

Their hand reaches out and it settles on your cheek. You immediately lean into it. Without a thought, without hesitation, you lean into the comfort offered to you and it makes your chest hurt. Tears blurring your vision. 

There's a long stretch of silence where you try to figure out what to say. Where anything could happen.

Before you can fully process it, you're being pulled into their chest with their free arm, feeling it wrap around your shoulders tightly. The hand that was on your cheek is now held behind your head to keep you in place. You stiffen. Your brain panics. You're trapped and your fangs are bared and your ears flatten against your head, reacting like you're going to be hurt.

Don't trust anyone.
Don't trust anyone.
Don't trust-

"You're a real idiot if you thought I wouldn't find you." You can feel their lips moving against your head, only now noticing that their face is also pressed against it. Their nose is buried in your hair and that's what makes you calm down. That's what makes you remember who this is. The one person who wouldn't hurt you. That didn't lie to you, force you to do things without any regard to how you felt.

Your body relaxes for a moment before you're clutching onto them, gritting your teeth as you try to hold back the rest of the tears that are forming in your eyes. 

"Why- are you here?" Your words are choked out. You sound upset that someone found you, but the rumble of a purr in your chest betrays how you really feel.

There's another beat of silence. 

"I thought I would be the one teaching you things, originally. But- But you've taught me a lot. More than you know." Their voice is still as strained as you remember. Forcing words out, words that need to be said, even if it isn't easy. The idea of being vulnerable is still horrifying to them, but here they are.

You cling tighter as they continue to speak.

"...You're so kind, Mary. I don't even understand how someone can be this kind, but I'm glad you are. That kindness is why I'm here." Here, in this place. Here, in general. If Urei had the choice, they probably would've fucked off somewhere else too, but they stayed. They stayed for you.

You don't understand why.

( But you do. There's no way you couldn't understand. Even if you don't know everything about them, you know them. )

You gasp out a "Stop-" as you begin to sob in their arms. It's overwhelming. Realising how much someone truly cared about you, how important you could be, how much impact you could have on one person. "I didn't- do anything-"

You hear a sigh, a sharp inhale, then you see their face again. Your chin is tilted up. And you can't look away.

"That's the thing, Mary. You didn't do anything. You didn't try to fix me, like- everyone else has been trying to do. You don't look at me like some I'm some wounded animal. That's why I can't-" 

They close their eyes. Brows pinched. Lips pressed in a thin line as they, very noticeably, tried to hype themself up for what they wanted to say. 

"I can't lose you. I need you, okay? More than- anything else. I don't want to be in the dark anymore, when I have the light right in ffront of me."

And it definitely looked like saying that hurt them! Like they felt like the sappiest loser freak on the planet.

A watery laugh escapes you in disbelief. You're so used to them dancing around the things they want, never directly addressing it. That's just how they were. Not that you're complaining! You're definitely not complaining. Their words fill your chest with a warmth you so desperately craved. A hope blooming. A hope that, maybe, they could feel the same way about you. 

Maybe, one day, they'd love you.

( You don't dare do anything more than hope. It was enough to have them here right now. You couldn't ruin that. )

"I didn't think you'd say something like that. You're so sappy." Another giggle slips out. You shouldn't be teasing them like this, but your emotions are running wild. You don't know what to do with yourself. Your smile wobbles as you continue speaking. "I'm sorry for leaving. I'm-" Your breath hitches as a fresh wave of tears overtakes you. "I'm really sorry."

They tsk, releasing your chin to hug you properly. 

"Stop apologising so much. If anyone was going to understand why you ran, it'd be me. So don't bother. All you have to do is stay with me. Can you promise me that?"

You nod into their chest.

"I promise."

And you intended to keep it this time.

Your sickness started when you were young. A coughing fit here and there. A few nose bleeds. Moments where you couldn't even get out of bed without feeling like you were going to puke your guts out. But your parents took you to doctors, got you things to help you feel better. To numb the ache. Because they cared. Because they loved you.

And that's what got you through it. Their love for you and the love they had for each other. You could tell that, no matter what happened, they would love one another for a very long time. It was inspiring. You wanted that, too. So you needed to get better. You needed to prove that their love wasn't going to waste just because you were sick.

But feelings like that couldn't last forever.

Because that love was more fragile than you thought. 

As you got older, you tried to ignore how things were changing.

As you got older, you tried to ignore how this was all your fault.

You've heard the arguments between them. About the sickness. How it was too much, how you were becoming a burden. It only got worse when your mother finally confronted your father about the shady business he was dealing in. He denied it, of course, but he couldn't outrun it forever. Especially when they all lost everything. 

The day they lost the love for each other.

The day you lost the love from your parents.

Because the blame always came back to you.

Their sick, burdensome daughter.

Losing the house was the final straw, you think. When everything became too much. You were still sick. You were still suffering. And when you were brought to the shelter, you thought this was what you deserved. 

Until you met that woman.

She was... strange. A looming shadow, but that didn't bother you. In fact, her presence comforted you. It felt like you had a mother again. Someone who wanted to look after you, care for you, love you. And that's all you wanted.

She'd talk to you for hours. Tell you about things you'd only read in fairy tales. She made you believe in a brighter future. Made you believe that you could still attain that love you were chasing after. You just needed to leave this life behind. Stay with her. 

The decision was easy. 

She took you away from it all. Saved you. Brought you to her home in the middle of the woods, away from everyone. But that was fine. It would all be worth it in the end.

For the first time, it felt like you could breathe without suffocating on your sickness. 

True love did exist.

True love was possible, for a sick girl like you. 

And nothing would get in your way.

My mother tells me to be a good girl and with a fake, forced, never reaching my eyes, bright smile, I nod happily. Because I am good. And I'll always listen.

That's the way it's supposed to be. That's the way she raised me to be. That's the way she tells me it is, and always will be.

Who am I to argue against her word?

Her warm, gentle word. She's always so kind. She's always so sweet. She tells me that she loves me, when she gives me a treat.

...But that's the only time.

Am I greedy for wanting more than those fleeting moments? I am surely envious when I see other kids and their parents smiling like they mean it at each other. But she has pride in me, her only daughter. So I am never wrathful, I am always kind. To be slothful when there is much to be done never crosses my mind. I just have a lust for life. And doesn't everyone?

And yet...

And yet, and yet, and yet.

Mary...

When my name is spoken, why does it strike fear into my heart?

Mary...

When my name is spoken, why do I feel like I have done something wrong?

I am good.
I am good.
I am good.

Just the way she wants me to be.

Just the way everyone wants me to be.

So, please, don't hate me.