please don't leave me here stranded.

When I wake up in the middle of the night after a bad dream, I always expect you to be there. Because somehow you always knew when it was bad. But you're never going to be there. I have to remind myself that I am not home. ( I am not home anywhere, really. ) I have to remind myself that you are gone.

It's not easy. And there's a part of me that wants to reach out despite how mad I am at you. Still mad. The argument we had, the final conversation between us, still lingers in my mind. I couldn't believe you would make me choose. Force a choice upon me. I felt so helpless and you didn't even know why. You talked like it was so obvious. Of course we should leave, Sybil. You don't really want to stay. Those... friends of yours. They don't know what's best for you, but I do. That wasn't fair.

. . .

It makes me sick, when people act like they know better. Act like they're doing things for me, to benefit me, but it's always for themself. Would it kill someone to ask what I want for once? To actually care about the things, the people, that are important to me?

. . .

Sometimes I wonder if my parents loved me.

If they were ready for this responsibility, of a life outside of their own.

I have rarely been shown an ounce of tenderness.

...My thoughts are so jumbled lately. I'm tired. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I just want to see Kozue and Gage happy. If they're happy, then I can be too. That's what I have to believe.

My life was so empty before them. Maybe that's a crazy thing to think, but it's true. Oz was always there, but he was also always so far away. Just out of reach. I care about him, still. I care. But I care about Kozue and Gage, too. Why couldn't he get that?

. . .

This is annoying.

I don't know why I'm writing all this down. It won't really matter in the end. I'll never get to tell him that I'm sorry. I'll never get the chance to show him that there are things worth staying for. Even if he hated me in the end, at least I tried. But it's all pointless. I can't change this.

I can't let anything bad happen again.

These dreams have to mean something. I have to be able to do something. Anything.

Maybe I'll keep writing when things get better. I don't want anyone to see this part of myself. Only good things. I don't want to disappoint them. I can be better. I will be better. I'm going to change, and prove that I'm not useless. I'm not going to lose anyone else.